In my early twenties, I was out driving with one of the guys from my Kung Fu studio. I turned into a parking lot and I don’t remember if I did anything or not, but this other driver decided I had offended him and got out of the car and made a beeline for me and my friend. I was about to apologize and my friend took me by the shoulders and walked me away. That lesson has stuck with me ever since. You don’t need to attend any fight you are invited to. Sometimes it’s better and safer just to walk away. Another, more dramatic example of this is a story I heard from a friend of a friend. The subject of the story got in what would usually be a harmless bar fight, but unfortunately he punched his opponent just at the right angle and killed him. He did years of jail time for that one punch. If you get in a fight, it is very possible that someone could be severely injured or killed, and now you have an assault charge on your record. This will impact your ability to get jobs and other things you probably take for granted. Do yourself a favor and avoid fights at all costs. Unless your life is in danger (or a loved one’s life) and you have exhausted all avenues of escape, there should not be a reason for you to physically fight.
Verbal jiu jitsu is a phrase that is popular among martial artists and what it refers to is the simple concept of de-escalation. Of course, we want to use our awareness and avoidance to get out of a potentially dangerous situation before it even begins but if you find yourself on the wrong end of an irate person with no way out, verbal de-escalation is a vital skill to know. There is a wonderful You Tube video that illustrates this point very well.
In this video you see an old, tough instructor and a bunch of pretty serious fighters talking about how to avoid the fight and the scenarios he comes up with are genius.
How do we use our verbal jiu jitsu? Most importantly, leave your ego at the door, better yet, get rid of it! Ego can be your worst enemy in these situations. It’s not about proving how tough you are or making a point, it’s about staying out of a potentially dangerous situation.
Walk away! If you can’t walk away, turn on your empathy skills. Agree with the aggressor, make him feel heard, compliment him on something, make up an excuse about whatever the issue is. The goal here is to get back to Plan A which is to leave the situation as calmly as possible without arousing suspicion or being particularly memorable. Use any means necessary to distract or placate the enemy until you can calmly extricate yourself from the situation.
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