When I was a child, my mom would talk about safety often and role play scenarios with me. This was in the 80’s, so the most common question for kids was “if a stranger came to you and offered you candy, would you take it?” I quickly learned the answer to that question was no and answered dutifully when I was asked. If only it were that simple. Predators are constantly evolving and finding new and devious ways to trick potential victims, children and adults alike, so we must look at the underlying principles for guidance.
I was in the middle of teaching a children’s martial arts class one day when I had an epiphany. In mid sentence, talking about what to do if a stranger comes to a child asking for help with a lost dog, I stopped completely and said “You know what? If you only remember one thing, remember this. A grownup stranger should never come to a child for help with anything. If they need legitimate help, they will ask another grownup.” This makes it so much easier to identify if the request is legitimate or not. It doesn’t matter what ruse they employ, a grownup stranger will never need assistance from a child, period. That should be an immediate red flag.
So what should your child do if this happens? This is where you need to role play and run scenarios with your child. Set up a plan for emergencies, depending on where they are. The most straightforward scenario would be if you are all at the park and they are approached by a stranger for any reason at all, their first action should be to find you or whatever adult they are with immediately. If they are approached at school, if it is outside the normal routine, they need to find a teacher or counselor. Obviously, the setup for every family and school is different, so you’ll need to tailor this to your particular family’s situation. And this only works if you have consistency in your routine. It needs to be very clear to the child what the options are, and if they are offered a different option, they need to have very clear instructions about what to do in that case. And practice, not just once, but often. Try to make it fun. Maybe ask them if they can think of a scenario that might be iffy and work through the procedure. Definitely involve them in the process of creating the emergency plan, so that they are comfortable with it and more importantly they have ownership of it. And in this process, they are also learning how to create their own emergency plan for other scenarios, a skill that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
Code words are a good tool to use for family security. These can be used in a variety of ways. One is that if the parents do need to change the routine at the last minute, that person can be given a code word or phrase so that the child knows they are legit. Nowadays, many children have cell phones so there can be a code word that they can text to their parents or family to let them know they are in trouble.
Some people may be worried that talking to their children about security and danger may scare them. On the contrary, it shows them how to face their fears and make a plan for what to do, which helps take some of the fear out of it. I run into a lot of people who are terrified to even talk about self defense because of their fear of being attacked. Of course no one wants to be attacked but getting training and having options makes me much more confident that I can deal with situations as they arise rather than worrying about if something happens to me. I am not a helpless victim. I can actively influence a situation to minimize my risk and save my own life, and that makes it less scary to think about. In fact, I like to run scenarios and learn as much as I can about more and more topics so that I have the knowledge should I ever need it.
My mom trained me well. One day, we were out walking and a stranger came up to us and she started to become uncomfortable with the situation. My five year old self proclaimed “Mommy, we don’t talk to strangers,” grabbed her hand and walked away. She told me that day that she was proud of me for doing the right thing in that moment.
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