The Most Common Threat

There are two major categories of threats that I look at: domestic violence and non-domestic, i.e. “stranger” violence. 

Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of violence against women is domestic violence. So what does this mean for us in terms of prevention? It’s easy to say “that would never happen to me,” but as I’m sure many of my readers know, it’s not that simple. Even I have been caught up in abusive relationships without realizing it. And it’s not just significant others. Take a look at everyone in your life. Are they bringing positivity and support into your circle? Do you find yourself making excuses for them or rationalizing things that they do? These may be things you haven’t thought about but it’s worth looking into. When something real happens, you want people you can count on and that you know have integrity.

A really good example of this is my friend has a neighbor who is an older lady. She is very sweet, but she has a nephew who is trouble. If she allows him to keep coming around and bringing a bad element, she is putting herself in danger of either an attack from him or one of his associates. It may sound paranoid, but it happens every day. 

So how do we protect against this threat? First of all, I recommend a couple of resources. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it a hundred more times but “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker is by far the best thing I have ever read as far as understanding manipulative people. If you haven’t read it, you can find it here. If you read nothing else, read that book! The other resource I would look into is any book that really talks about boundaries. Healthy boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships. I recommend “Transform Your Boundaries” by Sarri Gilman, MA, MFT. For my religious readers, “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend is a great read that ties in Bible verses and principles. 

Beyond that, there are a few red flags to look for. One that may be somewhat unexpected is checking out who their friends are. I firmly believe that the company you keep says a lot about your character. So while the person in question may be nice, if they hang out with shady characters, that means on some level they are approving of that behavior. And you have to ask yourself, why is this person spending time with people who are shady? Best case scenario, they will bring negativity into your life. Worst case scenario, they will bring violence to your doorstep. Best to avoid that all together. 

One of the clearest signs of trouble is an unwillingness to respect your “no.” What do I mean by that? When you try to set a boundary or tell someone that you don’t want to do something, do they respect your wishes and stop? Or do they try to convince you, whine, wheedle or pout? Or even worse, get angry? This comes into play especially in dating situations. Ladies, if he is pushing you to do something you are not comfortable with, don’t do the little giggle and pretend it’s ok. That is sending a mixed signal. You need to be clear about your boundaries. State your wishes and see what he does. If he keeps pressing the issue, that is a huge red flag you should pay close attention to. 

Example: I was dating a guy and one night I told him I was going out to eat and invited him along. When he got there I was very clear upfront that this was just dinner and nothing else because I wasn’t feeling well. He immediately said “of course, no problem.” But as the night wore on he started making jokes about going back to his place, trying to get me to change my mind. No less than a half a dozen times during dinner he alluded to doing exactly what I told him clearly at the start I was not okay with. Instead of causing a scene and possibly putting myself in danger, I finished out the conversation, politely excused myself and went home. I never answered his texts again. That may sound extreme but he showed me loud and clear that night that he could not be trusted.

Another red flag is temper outbursts. Does the person seem to blow up out of nowhere and not be able to control their temper? Something I have heard so many times it breaks my heart is “well, he has a temper and he puts holes in the walls/yells at me/abuses the dog etc. but he doesn’t hit me, so it’s ok.” Wrong! It is absolutely not ok to do any of those behaviors. And it is not your fault. It is impossible for you to provoke that response out of anyone. Grown adults have a choice in how they react to things, and healthy people will not yell or take their anger out on you. You absolutely do not have to be hit to be in a domestic violence situation. And abusing animals is one of the biggest red flags of an unsafe person. Get the animal to safety and get out of there! 

All of this may sound extreme and paranoid, but as Gavin de Becker says in “The Gift of Fear,” these people are testing you to see if you will give up your power. The minute you give in to a small compromise, they know they have you and they will push and push for bigger compromises. This is dangerous because at that point they are manipulating you and have no concern for your safety or well being; they simply see you as a way to get what they want. And if they do that with the little things, you can bet they will do it with the big important things. Do not let these people stay in your space!