What If I Don't Like Violence?

“I would study martial arts but I don’t like violence.” I have heard this statement many times over the years. Guess what? Neither do I. Neither do most people. Unless you are in the population of people that enjoys hurting others, you would probably agree with that statement. But you know that population? The ones that enjoy hurting others? They are out there, and you have probably encountered them or at least heard about them in your life.

Violence found me at a very young age. My mother, who was brilliant and creative, was also severely mentally ill and extremely violent especially when she was drunk. I only lived with her until I was six years old, when I was very fortunate to be taken away by the police and placed with my grandparents. I have blocked out most of the bad memories from those years but not all of them. 

Things were great with my grandparents until I reached middle school. That’s when the bullying began. I was hit, carried across the school yard, had my hand slammed in a door, cornered while several girls screamed directly in my ear, pushed into lockers, shoved down to the ground, mentally and physically tormented for years. My grades plummeted, I couldn’t focus on anything, and (surprise) began to have serious emotional problems. This was in the 90’s so instead of therapy I received punishment for my bad behavior and that was that. No one asked me why I was behaving this way and even if they did I don’t think I could have articulated it. I didn’t understand what was going on, I was just trying to survive it. I was lucky. Many children and teenagers don’t survive, unfortunately. Oh, and did I mention I earned a black belt in Taekwondo during this time? I enjoyed the training and learned great discipline and martial arts foundations which have served me my whole life but I did not learn self defense. It wasn’t until college when I trained in Kung Fu that I would start to learn the psychology of self defense and how to make myself unappealing as a target. (Note: I love Taekwondo and think it is a great style but if you want street level self defense without having to get a 3rd or 4th degree black belt, I wouldn’t recommend it. I do think it’s a great foundational style if you want to take the time and really get some good technique, endurance, flexibility and coordination. And the culture is wonderful.)

So what is the point of me telling you all this? It’s that violence is real, whether you want to face it or not. By applying good awareness and avoidance, you can decrease your risk of encountering it. But your risk will never be zero. I am a peaceful person. Anyone who knows me will tell you I would never hurt anyone without cause and even with cause, I will exhaust all other options before I have to use violence. But there’s one thing I have learned in my years of study. All human beings are capable of great goodness and great evil. What we do in martial arts is find the darkness, the monster in us, and train it. Explore it and acknowledge it and learn how to harness it, but also learn how to keep it quiet until it is needed. Learn how to flip that switch in a controlled environment and also how to turn it off. I leave you with two quotes:

“A man who is not capable of great violence is not peaceful, he is harmless.” -Stefan Grant

“It is better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.” -Sun Tzu

Transitional Spaces

A transitional space is any space where you are making a transition from one place to another, like a parking lot or an alley between one building or another. These are excellent places for an ambush, so always be extra alert, and have a plan A and B and possibly C for getting out of there.

Getting in and out of the car. When you park your car, look around and make sure that you are in a good location with lots of visibility and away from people. If there is room, park in a space that is not next to another car, especially if there is someone sitting inside. I also have a personal rule that I never ever park next to panel vans. (Maybe I have watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds, but in my mind panel vans are way too easy to jump out of and grab someone with no one seeing anything.) 

When coming back to your car, look around. Make sure you know who is in the area and have a clear line of travel to your car. This is why you park in spaces with good visibility, so that no one can be hiding near your car when you come back. When you get to the car, don’t bury your head in the trunk. Put your stuff in the car, get in, shut the door and lock it immediately. 

At the gas station. When you pull into a gas station, take a good look around at everyone who is there. There should be people minding their own business and pumping their gas. If someone is loitering, it’s not necessarily a no-go but pay attention to them. Pull up to a pump, get your card and keys out, step out of the car and immediately lock it. Most cars these days have the electronic key fob so as you step out and shut the door, hit the button. I have lost count of the number of videos I have seen of people stealing purses through unlocked cars at gas stations, even if the owner of the car/purse is standing mere feet away. Proceed to pump your gas but every few seconds or so just look around you. Since it’s an open space, I like to turn my back to the open part of the parking lot so that anyone who approaches me has to walk a long way in the open and I will definitely see them coming. When you get back inside your car, hit the lock button as soon as you sit down and shut the door. 

Any building entrance or exit. The entrances to apartment buildings, office buildings, homes and stores are all transitional spaces and are popular places for predators to attack people. This is because there are usually great places to hide behind bushes or gates and people are generally distracted when they are transitioning from one place to another. These spaces are the spaces in which you should be the most aware. Scan the area and look for things out of place, locked gates that are open or ajar, or people who don’t belong. There is a story that has stuck with me for many years about a department store incident. A lady was going to leave a department store but she noticed two men flanking the exit door. Fortunately for her, she listened to her intuition and didn’t go out that exit. She waited awhile, did some more shopping and checked again. They were still there, so she called security. Turns out they were waiting for women to exit the door alone so they could grab them on their way out of the store. That is a really good example of noticing people out of place. Men don’t typically hang out at department store exits for hours so seeing something like that should definitely set alarm bells off in your head. 

Stairways, hallways and elevators. These spaces are tricky because they tend to be small spaces that you may or may not be able to get out of easily. With stairways and hallways, if you can’t see the whole passage, then you run the risk of being surprised. (This is a good reason to learn some close quarters dirty fighting techniques; a subject for another post.) If you’re in a business or hotel it’s probably not an issue. I try to avoid sketchy stairways in parking garages, for example, and dark alleys, which is just common sense. My rule for elevators is if someone is on the elevator that I have a bad feeling about or I’m just not in the mood, I don’t get on. I can always catch another one. In “The Gift of Fear” there is a quote that says it all for me. “Which is sillier, waiting a moment for the next elevator, or getting into a soundproofed steel chamber with a stranger she is afraid of?” 

Don't Be An Easy Target

Predators, or the people who would seek to do you harm, are looking for an easy target, an easy prey choice. They want to find someone who looks weak, who is not paying attention, and who likely will not fight back if they are attacked. Predators don’t want a complicated situation, they just want to grab your purse/phone/you/etc. and get the heck out of there. They want an easy score. So, let’s learn how to send a signal that you are not an easy target!

Walk with purpose and confidence. The way you hold yourself when you walk sends a signal to those around you. Next time you are out, do a little people watching. Who looks confident and who looks unsure of themselves? Why do you think so? Confident people tend to stand up straight, walk with a sense of purpose, and are aware of what is around them. My sister told me once that I always look like I know where I am going even if I don’t. I blame that on years of martial arts training!

Make good eye contact with people. When you pass someone, look them in the eye and smile or say hello. It’s a friendly thing to do, plus it lets them know that you are aware of them. It may seem subtle, but these little things add up to a persona that tells the world that you are aware and in control.  

Define your personal space. There is what I call “the bubble,” an area around my body that is my personal space. This differs for everyone, but for me it is about three to six feet, depending on the situation. Everything outside of my personal space has a lower security risk. I will still pay attention, but at that distance I am monitoring and maybe leaving a potentially risky area. If someone that I am not comfortable with enters my bubble, everything changes. I try to put distance between myself and them and my body instantly goes from relaxed to alert. This does not mean that I take a fighting stance, necessarily. It can be subtle, the way I place my feet, I might turn to the side or scan my surroundings to make sure I know where my exits are. A good example of this might be a panhandler on the street. Mostly they are harmless, but I still don’t let them get close enough to touch me. Another example is if someone insists on standing uncomfortably close to me in line at the grocery store, I will turn to the side and move. If that doesn’t work, I will let them go in front of me in line. It rarely happens, but to me it is worth it to wait an extra few minutes for my comfort level. 

These examples could also go for coworkers who make you uncomfortable, or guys who are trying to hit on you in a social situation. You define your personal space and do not let anyone pressure you into doing anything you are not comfortable with.

Don’t walk in the middle of a group. If you are out and about and you come upon two or more people walking together, make sure you do not walk through the group. Most of the time there is no risk, but it is a good security habit to be aware of groups and stay to the outside. The reason for this is if you walk in the middle and they do have bad intentions, it is very easy for them to grab you from both sides and make your escape that much more difficult. Do yourself a favor and train yourself to recognize groups and stay to the outside of them.

Put your phone away while in public places. I see people all the time, head down, on their phone, completely oblivious to what’s going on around them. I love my smartphone as much as the next girl, but when I am out and about, it is away in my purse. If I decide to take a call or look something up, I will position myself with my back to a wall or in a similarly safe posture where no one can come up from behind me and I can keep an eye on things.

Put those earbuds away! I know a lot of people are not going to want to hear this, but earbuds are an announcement to the world that your awareness is compromised. Not only is your hearing diminished, your concentration is divided between what’s around you and what you are listening to. Please put the earbuds away when you’re in public, especially if you’re walking or running alone. They make you a very tempting target for a mugging or worse.

Wear clothes that don’t restrict movement and shoes that are easy to walk and even run in. I don’t want to cramp your style, but you can still dress professional/classy/sexy without compromising your ability to move if you need to. Wearing clothes that are so tight you can barely breathe or so short that you can barely walk is a signal to predators as well as a hindrance to your movement. Same with shoes. I always wear shoes that are comfortable and that I can run in if I have to. Usually I wear flats, but if I have to wear heels, I like to wear ballroom dance shoes. They are beautiful, and designed to stay on your feet while you are dancing, so you will have lots of mobility.

Have a purse that is not easy to steal. I like to wear bags crossbody so that my hands are always free. I also carry a theft resistant bag that closes in such a way someone can’t get into it while I am wearing it and it is cut resistant. Whatever style of purse you choose, make sure you can hang on to it if you have to run or fight or someone tries to grab it. Practice with a friend; it’s actually more fun than you might think!

Don't put your purse in shopping carts or other places where it is easy to steal. This is a pet peeve of mine, and I see it all the time in stores. Women leaving their purse in the shopping cart, leaving their phone on the table, burying their head in the trunk, while talking on their phone, with their purse in the cart. You are risking getting your purse stolen at a minimum, and getting shoved in the trunk of your own car and kidnapped as a worse scenario. Either way, it’s a really bad position to be in. 

I had a friend who went to get a gift wrapped at a department store. She put her purse down on the counter right next to her while she was choosing her wrapping paper. It was a few inches away from her, nothing could possibly happen with it that close, right? Wrong. When she finished selecting her paper, she turned back around and the purse was gone. Hang on to your purse at all times!

I’m sure all this sounds like a lot of work, but it’s all common sense stuff that is so second nature to me, I hardly think about it. It’s interesting to break it down and type it out and see how many things I do automatically to lower my risk of finding myself in a dangerous situation. If you spend some time building these habits, before you know it, it will be second nature to you too! Remember, security habits only work if you practice them consistently. 

Left of Bang

I have titled this post “Left of Bang” after a fantastic book by Patrick Van Horne and Jason A Riley. They actually wrote the book to train Marines how to identify suspicious targets in other countries where the cultural norms are completely different, which makes it hard to identify unusual behavior. (Click on the book title to be redirected to where you can get a copy).

Let’s back up. What does left of bang mean? In the book, the concept is described like this. “Bang” is when the incident occurs. For military in a combat situation, that is when someone starts shooting at them. For you and I, “bang” could mean when someone has cornered us or laid hands on us or when our awareness has failed and we are faced with a dangerous situation. “Right of bang” refers to responding to the threat after it has occurred. Again, in a combat zone that means taking cover and returning fire. In civilian life, that could mean getting away or having to take physical action to neutralize the threat. So the goal is to stay “left of bang,” meaning see the threat and act before it occurs, before “bang” happens.

There are steps you can take to stay left of bang. The first is to establish a baseline of behavior for whatever area you are in. The easiest example is your own neighborhood. Assuming you get out and about, maybe walk your dog or do yardwork, you are going to be very familiar with the norms for your neighborhood. At a store you frequent often, you probably recognize the staff and the regulars and the type of behavior normal for that store.  Same thing with church or the gym or any other place you go to often. In any of these locations you have a pretty good idea of what normal behavior is for that place.

The next step is to pay attention and notice any behavior that doesn’t fit the norm for where you are. In your neighborhood, if you see a strange car or someone acting in a way that is unusual that would be something to pay attention to. People loitering when they should be shopping, wearing clothes that are really odd for the situation, looking around nervously, the list goes on. Your intuition should pick up on behavior that is out of the ordinary. 

So what do you do with this information? For starters, DO NOT jump to a conclusion and start making a scene, like we see on YouTube all the time. I am in no way condoning that behavior. What you should do is take note, look around, gauge the situation and make a determination of whether you think it is enough for you to leave or just keep an eye on. Find your exits, make a plan B and C, but stay calm and just monitor the situation. Of course, if you determine there is a danger, calmly exit through the safest route without drawing any attention to yourself if possible. The idea is to be completely uninteresting and unmemorable. 

I was having dinner at a restaurant which had a bar in the front. I was seated well towards the back of the restaurant enjoying a salmon dinner. There was a group of young adults at the bar who were a bit loud, but nothing unusual. As time wore on, they got louder and more raucous. I took note but didn’t determine they were a threat to me, so I kept eating. Pretty soon they started a full on group fist fight, and the bartenders kicked them outside and called the police to break them up. The thing about situations like that is, usually they have a problem with each other and are not interested in bystanders. I had a clear exit though the back patio and I was far enough away from the action that I wasn’t worried. I did notice something interesting however. Some patrons a few tables over started berating the waiter and demanding their food to go. They were very scared of the situation and were taking it out on the staff, who of course had nothing to do with it. So I got up and went over to the table and told them “you know, if you just stay calm and finish your dinner, by the time you are done eating the police will have come and cleared them out and everything will be fine.” They looked at me askance but seemed to relax a little and fortunately let up on the poor waiter. I also noticed that they stayed and kept eating. If they had gotten their food to go and left, they would have had to pass through the group who was still fighting out front. What do you think was safer, going through the group or staying put until they broke up and went away? 

Another example is ironically from the same place. I was finishing a shift at work as an instructor at a Taekwondo school (next door to the restaurant in the last story), and it was pretty late at night. The area the school was in was nice, and there wasn’t much activity late at night, so usually I felt comfortable leaving by myself. I always did a scan of the parking lot before I left, and usually there was nothing there. This night was different. There were three young men, maybe in their 20’s. Red flag #1: three against one, especially healthy young men, are bad tactical odds for me. Red flag #2: if they were just leaving the gym and heading to their cars, I probably would not have been alarmed. However, they were loitering by their cars and acting rambunctious and raunchy. Red flag #3: There was no way I could get to my car without them seeing me in enough time that they could not reach me. I took in all these observations and concluded that I did not feel comfortable walking to my car alone at that moment. Fortunately, the restaurant next door was still open so I went in and asked the bartender if she had a big tough line cook in the back I could borrow. They kind of joked and said since I’m a martial arts teacher, why am I asking for help? I told her that 99% of self defense is not getting into a stupid situation to begin with. The line cook was super sweet, walked me to my car and stayed out there (in a tshirt in the cold, might I add) until I drove off. Do not be afraid to follow your gut instinct and refuse to put yourself at risk, even if people question you or even laugh at you. I would rather be laughed at than be assaulted or murdered. 

On another occasion after work at Taekwondo there was an obvious drug deal going on in the parking lot and the restaurant was closed, so I locked the studio doors, turned out the lights and stayed out of sight until they left. It took about 45 minutes, but I was prepared to stay as long as necessary and I could have gone out the back if I felt the danger was increasing. It all comes down to evaluating the situation and making a determination based on your personal experience and comfort level.

So to recap: establish a baseline, look for outliers, pay attention to the developing situation, add that information to what you already know, make a decision about what action you should take, stay calm and execute your plan. As always, you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone when it comes to your safety, stand up for yourself because there is no guarantee anyone else will. 

Children’s Self Defense

Physical self defense for children is a tricky subject. Because of their size, they are pretty easy to grab and carry away even if they are kicking and screaming. But that doesn't mean that they are helpless. There are many things children can do to decrease their odds of being kidnapped. As always, the first thing we want to look at is awareness. 

The first step of awareness is to teach your children to recognize when a stranger is taking inappropriate interest in them or acting weird, like in the story with my sister where the man was in Target, but wasn’t shopping. The other thing that man did was follow them around the store. Another thing to keep in mind is that the image of the "scary looking man" is not always correct. Predators are always coming up with new ways to fool people so you should look at behavior, not appearances. Handsome, clean cut men as well as women and even children are used every day to trick potential victims into a trap. No matter who they are, if they are acting in a way that doesn't fit the norm, that is a red flag. Children should be taught to be aware of these things and point them out to a trusted adult or be taught to go find security.

The next strategy is to teach your children how to avoid getting grabbed. My personal safety zone is about two meters. If a stranger that I have a bad feeling about gets any closer than that, my awareness jumps up and I start looking at my options. So if your child can be aware of a stranger getting too close, they can try to duck and run and wiggle away, find a safe adult or squirm into a spot where the adult can’t fit. Practice trying to grab your kid and have them practice being slippery. One thing little kids are great at is wriggling and worming their way into spots a larger adult can’t get to.

If the attacker does manage to lay hands on them, while screaming and shouting, they can:

-Bite

-Grab a finger and break it

-Beat on their attacker’s face, especially the nose and eyes. Hitting the nose as hard as possible and pushing the fingers into the eyes as far as they will go (gross, I know) are the best ways to induce pain and hopefully distract the attacker long enough for the child to escape. Also, if you can get a really good grip on the ear and rip with as much force as possible, it will certainly cause pain and in some cases cause the ear to become partially detached.

-Put their mouth as close to the attacker’s ear as possible and emit a bloodcurdling scream right into their ear (as kids are so good at).

-Grab something heavy and/or sharp and hit the attacker with it

-Grab things and throw them at the attacker (anything they can get their hands on, sand or rocks, any small object nearby, just throw everything at them). 

-Kick the knee backwards. If done with enough force, the knee will break and the attacker won’t be able to get up.

-Groin shot may or may not work, but it’s worth a try. For a little kid who can’t kick that high, they can grab the testicles and squeeze and twist. Cause as much pain as possible

The idea is to be a difficult victim. Cause as many problems as possible for the attacker and hopefully they will decide you are too much trouble.  Don’t just flail, learn how to identify targets on the body that are weak and exploit those. And the biggest key is once you have an opening, RUN! 

As caretakers of our children, it is important for us to be aware and protect them as much as possible. But we can teach them to look for signs of danger and stay out of trouble themselves as well, and they will take those skills with them for the rest of their lives. 

Security Habits for Children

When I was a child, my mom would talk about safety often and role play scenarios with me. This was in the 80’s, so the most common question for kids was “if a stranger came to you and offered you candy, would you take it?” I quickly learned the answer to that question was no and answered dutifully when I was asked. If only it were that simple. Predators are constantly evolving and finding new and devious ways to trick potential victims, children and adults alike, so we must look at the underlying principles for guidance. 

I was in the middle of teaching a children’s martial arts class one day when I had an epiphany. In mid sentence, talking about what to do if a stranger comes to a child asking for help with a lost dog, I stopped completely and said “You know what? If you only remember one thing, remember this. A grownup stranger should never come to a child for help with anything. If they need legitimate help, they will ask another grownup.” This makes it so much easier to identify if the request is legitimate or not. It doesn’t matter what ruse they employ, a grownup stranger will never need assistance from a child, period. That should be an immediate red flag. 

So what should your child do if this happens? This is where you need to role play and run scenarios with your child. Set up a plan for emergencies, depending on where they are. The most straightforward scenario would be if you are all at the park and they are approached by a stranger for any reason at all, their first action should be to find you or whatever adult they are with immediately. If they are approached at school, if it is outside the normal routine, they need to find a teacher or counselor. Obviously, the setup for every family and school is different, so you’ll need to tailor this to your particular family’s situation. And this only works if you have consistency in your routine. It needs to be very clear to the child what the options are, and if they are offered a different option, they need to have very clear instructions about what to do in that case. And practice, not just once, but often. Try to make it fun. Maybe ask them if they can think of a scenario that might be iffy and work through the procedure. Definitely involve them in the process of creating the emergency plan, so that they are comfortable with it and more importantly they have ownership of it. And in this process, they are also learning how to create their own emergency plan for other scenarios, a skill that will serve them for the rest of their lives. 

Code words are a good tool to use for family security. These can be used in a variety of ways. One is that if the parents do need to change the routine at the last minute, that person can be given a code word or phrase so that the child knows they are legit. Nowadays, many children have cell phones so there can be a code word that they can text to their parents or family to let them know they are in trouble. 

Some people may be worried that talking to their children about security and danger may scare them. On the contrary, it shows them how to face their fears and make a plan for what to do, which helps take some of the fear out of it. I run into a lot of people who are terrified to even talk about self defense because of their fear of being attacked. Of course no one wants to be attacked but getting training and having options makes me much more confident that I can deal with situations as they arise rather than worrying about if something happens to me. I am not a helpless victim. I can actively influence a situation to minimize my risk and save my own life, and that makes it less scary to think about. In fact, I like to run scenarios and learn as much as I can about more and more topics so that I have the knowledge should I ever need it. 

My mom trained me well. One day, we were out walking and a stranger came up to us and she started to become uncomfortable with the situation. My five year old self proclaimed “Mommy, we don’t talk to strangers,” grabbed her hand and walked away. She told me that day that she was proud of me for doing the right thing in that moment. 

Me and My Granddaughter At Target

My sister was kind enough to write up an incident that happened to her a few years ago. Here are her words:

“I had gone shopping at a local Target store with my granddaughter. As I pushed the cart she asked if she could walk beside me instead of ride inside. She was about four at the time and wanted to be a big girl so I let her. We were in the toy section and I noticed a man at the end of the isle just standing there, not looking at us but not really looking at anything in particular. I thought it was strange. My granddaughter and I moved to the luggage section to look at a backpack for her. As we were looking at what color backpack to buy I looked at the end of the isle and the same man was there, again not looking at anything in particular. All my senses starting screaming at me. I grabbed my granddaughter and put her in the cart. I told her there was a bad man following us and she had no choice but to be inside. We quickly went to the front of the store where I decided to stop and grab some colored paper. Again, within minutes he was standing at the end of the isle. We went as fast as we could to the check out stands and told the clerk what was going on. She basically blew it off as me being paranoid. I demanded someone walk us out of the store to our car and stay until we were safely in the car and on our way. They agreed to that. As I thought about the incident later I realized that as I was walking down the main isle of the toy section I had seen the same man walking towards us and had a funny feeling about him then. Always listen to your inner voice. It’s probably right on. I hate to think what would have happened that day had I not been taught by my sister to always be aware of my surroundings, always.”

My sister did everything right that day and probably saved her granddaughter’s life. A few months prior, my martial arts friends and I had conducted a self defense seminar for her and her grandkids and she and I have had (and still have) many conversations about safety and security. I’ve always been so happy that she took to the subject so readily, and she has very good instincts. So let’s break this down.

Awareness: Her awareness was the number one thing that saved her granddaughter that day. She was paying attention to her surroundings and noticed the man acting outside of what you would consider normal behavior. 

Pay attention to behavior: One of the key elements to awareness is to have a baseline for what is considered normal behavior for your surroundings, then look for outliers, or people who are acting abnormally. At Target, everyone is busy shopping, so a man who is just loitering, not really looking at anything should catch your attention. From then, you observe behavior. If she had moved on and he went somewhere else, then it wouldn’t have been an issue. But he followed her to three separate locations. That is a huge red flag, and she was absolutely right to conclude he was a threat. 

Listen to your intuition: My sister could have rationalized it away, convinced herself that she was being paranoid, decided she was too busy, didn’t want to scare her granddaughter, or made any number of excuses. Instead, she was honest with her granddaughter but remained calm. She knew exactly what to do, and went to security for help.

Be confident: At first security didn’t want to believe her. She could have been embarrassed or doubted herself. But she was confident and insisted on being heard and taken seriously. This is critical. No one will take your safety as seriously as you do. You might be questioned or even laughed at. But stick to your guns, as my sister did, and insist that you get what you need, in this case, an escort to the car. Leave immediately. Any shopping you have to do or errands you have to run can wait. 

It is sad that we have to be so careful, but the threat is real and children are kidnapped in scenarios just like this. In fact, this is one of several incidents I have heard of parents noticing someone watching their kids in a store. One of my mantras is “security habits are not effective unless you practice them consistently.” This doesn’t mean we should walk around in fear, but we should always pay attention to our surroundings and doubly so with our precious children. 

Thank you so much to my sister for writing this. It is so valuable to have a parent and grandparent’s viewpoint and experience to draw from. I deeply appreciate your help and support, as always. 

The Most Common Threat

There are two major categories of threats that I look at: domestic violence and non-domestic, i.e. “stranger” violence. 

Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of violence against women is domestic violence. So what does this mean for us in terms of prevention? It’s easy to say “that would never happen to me,” but as I’m sure many of my readers know, it’s not that simple. Even I have been caught up in abusive relationships without realizing it. And it’s not just significant others. Take a look at everyone in your life. Are they bringing positivity and support into your circle? Do you find yourself making excuses for them or rationalizing things that they do? These may be things you haven’t thought about but it’s worth looking into. When something real happens, you want people you can count on and that you know have integrity.

A really good example of this is my friend has a neighbor who is an older lady. She is very sweet, but she has a nephew who is trouble. If she allows him to keep coming around and bringing a bad element, she is putting herself in danger of either an attack from him or one of his associates. It may sound paranoid, but it happens every day. 

So how do we protect against this threat? First of all, I recommend a couple of resources. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it a hundred more times but “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker is by far the best thing I have ever read as far as understanding manipulative people. If you haven’t read it, you can find it here. If you read nothing else, read that book! The other resource I would look into is any book that really talks about boundaries. Healthy boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships. I recommend “Transform Your Boundaries” by Sarri Gilman, MA, MFT. For my religious readers, “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend is a great read that ties in Bible verses and principles. 

Beyond that, there are a few red flags to look for. One that may be somewhat unexpected is checking out who their friends are. I firmly believe that the company you keep says a lot about your character. So while the person in question may be nice, if they hang out with shady characters, that means on some level they are approving of that behavior. And you have to ask yourself, why is this person spending time with people who are shady? Best case scenario, they will bring negativity into your life. Worst case scenario, they will bring violence to your doorstep. Best to avoid that all together. 

One of the clearest signs of trouble is an unwillingness to respect your “no.” What do I mean by that? When you try to set a boundary or tell someone that you don’t want to do something, do they respect your wishes and stop? Or do they try to convince you, whine, wheedle or pout? Or even worse, get angry? This comes into play especially in dating situations. Ladies, if he is pushing you to do something you are not comfortable with, don’t do the little giggle and pretend it’s ok. That is sending a mixed signal. You need to be clear about your boundaries. State your wishes and see what he does. If he keeps pressing the issue, that is a huge red flag you should pay close attention to. 

Example: I was dating a guy and one night I told him I was going out to eat and invited him along. When he got there I was very clear upfront that this was just dinner and nothing else because I wasn’t feeling well. He immediately said “of course, no problem.” But as the night wore on he started making jokes about going back to his place, trying to get me to change my mind. No less than a half a dozen times during dinner he alluded to doing exactly what I told him clearly at the start I was not okay with. Instead of causing a scene and possibly putting myself in danger, I finished out the conversation, politely excused myself and went home. I never answered his texts again. That may sound extreme but he showed me loud and clear that night that he could not be trusted.

Another red flag is temper outbursts. Does the person seem to blow up out of nowhere and not be able to control their temper? Something I have heard so many times it breaks my heart is “well, he has a temper and he puts holes in the walls/yells at me/abuses the dog etc. but he doesn’t hit me, so it’s ok.” Wrong! It is absolutely not ok to do any of those behaviors. And it is not your fault. It is impossible for you to provoke that response out of anyone. Grown adults have a choice in how they react to things, and healthy people will not yell or take their anger out on you. You absolutely do not have to be hit to be in a domestic violence situation. And abusing animals is one of the biggest red flags of an unsafe person. Get the animal to safety and get out of there! 

All of this may sound extreme and paranoid, but as Gavin de Becker says in “The Gift of Fear,” these people are testing you to see if you will give up your power. The minute you give in to a small compromise, they know they have you and they will push and push for bigger compromises. This is dangerous because at that point they are manipulating you and have no concern for your safety or well being; they simply see you as a way to get what they want. And if they do that with the little things, you can bet they will do it with the big important things. Do not let these people stay in your space! 

Verbal Jiu Jitsu

In my early twenties, I was out driving with one of the guys from my Kung Fu studio. I turned into a parking lot and I don’t remember if I did anything or not, but this other driver decided I had offended him and got out of the car and made a beeline for me and my friend. I was about to apologize and my friend took me by the shoulders and walked me away. That lesson has stuck with me ever since. You don’t need to attend any fight you are invited to. Sometimes it’s better and safer just to walk away. Another, more dramatic example of this is a story I heard from a friend of a friend. The subject of the story got in what would usually be a harmless bar fight, but unfortunately he punched his opponent just at the right angle and killed him. He did years of jail time for that one punch. If you get in a fight, it is very possible that someone could be severely injured or killed, and now you have an assault charge on your record. This will impact your ability to get jobs and other things you probably take for granted. Do yourself a favor and avoid fights at all costs. Unless your life is in danger (or a loved one’s life) and you have exhausted all avenues of escape, there should not be a reason for you to physically fight.

Verbal jiu jitsu is a phrase that is popular among martial artists and what it refers to is the simple concept of de-escalation. Of course, we want to use our awareness and avoidance to get out of a potentially dangerous situation before it even begins but if you find yourself on the wrong end of an irate person with no way out, verbal de-escalation is a vital skill to know. There is a wonderful You Tube video that illustrates this point very well. 

https://youtu.be/-4UEgtt4ZPM

In this video you see an old, tough instructor and a bunch of pretty serious fighters talking about how to avoid the fight and the scenarios he comes up with are genius. 

How do we use our verbal jiu jitsu? Most importantly, leave your ego at the door, better yet, get rid of it! Ego can be your worst enemy in these situations. It’s not about proving how tough you are or making a point, it’s about staying out of a potentially dangerous situation. 

Walk away! If you can’t walk away, turn on your empathy skills. Agree with the aggressor, make him feel heard, compliment him on something, make up an excuse about whatever the issue is. The goal here is to get back to Plan A which is to leave the situation as calmly as possible without arousing suspicion or being particularly memorable. Use any means necessary to distract or placate the enemy until you can calmly extricate yourself from the situation. 

Being Followed from the Light Rail

I was downtown doing a photo shoot with a friend. It was early, and we were in an admittedly sketchy area near the light rail line. My friend had picked this place because of the wonderful visual backdrop of brightly painted, abandoned buildings on the other side of the street. We were having a blast, taking lots of pictures and as the time got later, more people started to appear. At one point we decided we should probably go, so we packed up and started heading back to my house. A few blocks in I noticed we had picked up a follower. I stayed calm but kept my eye on him until I was sure he was following us. He started to get closer, and when he was too close for my comfort (about 10 feet away), I turned abruptly and said firmly “stop following us!” He jumped a little, apologized and backed off. After a few minutes he started getting closer again so my friend and I went inside a busy coffee shop and sat down at a table. Our follower got in line for coffee and was distracted so we got up and went back out the front door. After all that, as we were discussing what happened, we realized that we were both black belts. We had moved in sync, didn’t really plan anything but kept ourselves safe. And the pictures turned out fabulous!

Did this guy have ill intentions? Was he dangerous, or just a guy on the street? We’ll never know. Your life doesn’t have to be in immediate danger before you take action to keep yourself safe, in fact, the sooner you act, the better your likelihood of not getting into a dangerous situation becomes. Let’s break this down:

Awareness - My awareness that morning clued me in to the fact that we had picked up a tail.

How to spot a tail - A “tail” is just fancy movie talk for someone who is following you. To spot one, pay attention to who is in your immediate area. Are they keeping pace with you? 

When you are walking and someone is staying with you, that means that they are “pacing you,” that is, keeping up with your speed and distance. Also pay attention to anyone who is making the same turns you are. To really test it, stop and let them go by or cross the street and start walking back the way you came, or in a completely different direction. If they are truly following you, it’s a big risk to keep matching your moves. They’ll either give up or reveal themselves as a tail.

When you are driving, pay attention to any cars that seem to stay behind you for awhile. What I usually do is wait until I’m fairly close to my neighborhood. If they have been behind me for some time and are still matching my turns, I’ll start driving in circles. So far I’ve never had anyone stay with me beyond that point. The odds of anyone actually following me are slim, but I say better safe than sorry. In the unlikely case they really are following you, a couple of things to remember. Don’t start driving faster. Keep a normal speed and drive like nothing is wrong. If you think it’s applicable, call 911 and apprise them of your situation. If they are not able to help you (this has happened to a friend of mine), go to a target rich environment, a hospital drive in, a police station, anywhere you will be very visible and it would be hard for someone to get to you. Another note is to always keep your gas tank at least 1/2 full, so if you have to do any driving maneuvers, you will have enough gas to get yourself to safety. 

Being clear about your intention - When I noticed we were being followed, I didn’t sneak around or get scared. I turned around with a confident posture and announced my intention. I wanted him to stop following us. 

Switching tactics - when my first tactic didn’t work (telling him to back off), I switched to another. Keep trying different things until something works. Don’t panic and don’t run unless you have a good reason to. Stay calm and patiently work through all your options. Most of the time, you will find something that works. 

Target rich environment - I chose a target rich environment to go to. Target rich environments mean places with lots of people. These days, you can’t count on strangers jumping in and helping you, but your would-be follower may give up the chase if there are too many potential witnesses, and you can use the crowd to lose them or distract them, as we did in this case. 

Escape and evasion - My motto is “a confused enemy is always better than an angry one.” I’ll sneak away from a potential threat every time. There are lots of tricks to hide and sneak away. Ducking into a business is one of my favorites. I went in the front of a restaurant and out the back another time I was followed. Walking with a group of people, blending in, altering your appearance like taking off a jacket or putting on a hat, anything that changes your profile and makes it harder to spot you in a crowd. Again the key is to stay calm and work your options until you lose your follower.

Next time you are out and about, pay attention to your exits, alternate routes, and look for places you might lose a follower.  It's a good practice to train your brain to start noticing these things automatically.