Manipulators

How can you tell when you meet someone whether they have good intentions or not? It’s not always apparent right at first, especially if someone is skilled at social interaction. 

I was given an example today in a conversation. A friend of mine met a guy who seemed nice and he asked for her number. She felt uncomfortable giving him her number but also felt pressured to be polite. She gave him the number and regretted it afterwards and mentioned it to me. How many times has this happened to you? I know I’ve been caught in this situation and others like it before. 

This is a great example of several concepts in awareness. First, there are some lines you absolutely know you will not cross. But there are other lines that sometimes you don’t realize are lines until after you have crossed them. Everyone does it, I have done it several times, taken an action and then realized I was not comfortable with that action. So what can we do?

Step one is to try and decide what our boundaries are beforehand as much as possible. This is where reading other books, blogs and articles helps because it exposes you to scenarios that you may not have thought of. 

Step two, if you get in a situation that catches you off guard, try and slow down the moment to figure out how you feel. You can change the subject or simply say you need to think about it. That is easier said than done, but can be a plausible strategy. 

Step three, if you have crossed the line and realize it later, take steps to implement the boundaries you need after the fact. 

This is where the concept of manipulators comes in. A normal (non-manipulative) person will make conversation with you and mostly leave it at that. If you have mutual friends, they might inquire through those friends but people normally don’t ask for personal information that fast. So if someone is pressing you for personal information, you have a few options. You can change the subject, make an excuse to get a drink or talk to someone else or just leave. Another option is to tell them no in a nice way. If they are a normal harmless person, they will not be offended or angered. They will respect your boundaries and not press any more. A manipulator will continue to press, make you feel uncomfortable, maybe even whine or get aggressive. This goes back to that red flag of making sure people respect your “no.” If you tell someone “no” for any reason and they keep pushing, that should set off alarm bells in your head. You should immediately ask yourself, “why is this person not respecting my no?” Take it seriously, change the subject, include someone else in the conversation or leave if you have to. 

You have to shut down manipulators as early as possible before they get dug in. What manipulators want is attention. Positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. They want you to engage with them and will keep harassing you as long as you keep reacting. There is a fantastic chapter on this in “The Gift of Fear” called “Persistence, Persistence” (Chapter 8). In it, a couple goes to a trade show and meets an enterprising young man who says he has some ideas for collaboration. Again, normal (non-manipulative) people would realize this is just an exchange and something may or may not come of it. In this case, the young man is a manipulator. He starts harassing them at their business. They try all the conventional ways people usually try to get rid of someone, telling him nicely that they aren’t interested right now, telling him firmly that they aren’t interested, threatening him if he doesn’t stop, etc. The problem is, he is not a normal person, he is a manipulator and each time they tell him to go away, they are buying more contact with him. If they wait until he calls 15 times to answer him and yell at him, they have just taught him that it takes 15 calls to get a response. And with each contact, they dig themselves deeper and deeper. As described in the book, they finally reached out to Gavin de Becker’s firm for help. What he told them to do I have taken to heart. Ignore them. No contact. Radio silence. No matter what they do or say, give them absolutely nothing. It may take awhile, but eventually most will give up and chase someone else. (*Disclaimer: I say most because humans are nothing if not unpredictable so there may be a scenario where this doesn’t work. You must evaluate your own situation based on its merits and all the puzzle pieces in your particular life.)

This is extraordinarily hard for most people to believe. I have seen it many times, well meaning people giving advice such as “you just need to tell him to knock it off (when you’ve already told him that), or the classic “I’ll go over and have a talk with him for you,” where the well meaning, usually male person threatens the manipulator to leave you alone. That is nice of your well meaning friend but unless they can be your bodyguard 24/7, you need a better solution that you can implement yourself. If you can 1. recognize the signs as soon as possible, 2. shut it down immediately and 3. stick to your guns and give your harasser no attention, the odds of them finding someone else more interesting get much better. To be clear, they might start with flattery, then whining, then insults, and even threats. Go on any blog that shows dating screenshots and you’ll see how fast this can happen. Unless you truly believe the threats are credible, the best action is no action. Again I stress, all situations are unique so you must use your judgement. But your intuition is your best guide. Don’t obscure it with what ifs, politeness and rationalizations. Follow your gut, ensure your safety first, and evaluate later.