Eye Contact

I had an interesting conversation with a friend where she expressed that she had been told by two separate people never to make eye contact with a man that she was not familiar with. My initial reaction was to picture her walking down the street, head down, looking fearful and worried about avoiding eye contact with anyone. That screams vulnerable and easy prey choice to me. So we talked a little more and she clarified that what she meant was at a social gathering, if she makes eye contact from across the room, that will buy her unwanted attention from a man. At that point I understood that we were talking about two different scenarios. Let me break it down.

We’ll start with the social gathering. She is absolutely right in this regard. It’s good to project confident, calm, friendly energy at a social gathering but if there is a man that you want to avoid, then definitely use your body language and lack of direct eye contact to send him that message. Eye contact from across a room from a woman is an invitation to a man that she is interested in further communication. So in this case, stay away from him and if he tries to approach you be friendly but firm that you are not interested. This can be difficult for some women who are conditioned to be nurturing and not hurt anyone’s feelings. I have lost count of the stories of harassment and abuse that began with “I just wanted to let him down easy” or “I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.” Ladies, let me be clear. Most men do not do well with subtle hints. The absolute worst is when you giggle and say “stop it” in a playful way. That is going to make him think you really want him and you are just playing hard to get, and most men are conditioned to believe that persistence is a good quality and will get them what they want. So all of this equals shut him down fast and be crystal clear about it. That doesn’t mean you have to be rude, just clear and firm. (Disclaimer: you might get a negative reaction from some guys. Stand your ground and do not waiver. They will give up if you show them absolutely that you are not the one to mess with.)

Ok, now onto the other scenario, strangers in the street. To begin, I need to clarify that men and women interact in totally opposite ways when they encounter a stranger who is the same sex. Women use eye contact and body language to connect with other women. Men do not, as a rule. When a man meets another man who is a stranger, direct eye contact is a challenge and dominance is determined in that moment. So often you will see men do a quick head nod as an acknowledgement and move on, whereas women will tend to pause and smile, and maybe even exchange pleasantries. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, but it is pretty much the norm. So, knowing this baseline behavior and what we know about being a bad prey choice, how do we decide what to do in a stranger situation? Here’s what I do. Stand up straight, project calm and confident energy, pay attention to my surroundings. When I encounter a stranger, especially a man, I will look at him straight in the eye and depending on the energy he is giving me will either do the head nod or a quick smile. This communicates to him that I am aware, I see him, and by interacting with him first, I am controlling the interaction. It’s not an aggressive thing at all. I am polite and professional but also aware and in control.