Eye Contact

I had an interesting conversation with a friend where she expressed that she had been told by two separate people never to make eye contact with a man that she was not familiar with. My initial reaction was to picture her walking down the street, head down, looking fearful and worried about avoiding eye contact with anyone. That screams vulnerable and easy prey choice to me. So we talked a little more and she clarified that what she meant was at a social gathering, if she makes eye contact from across the room, that will buy her unwanted attention from a man. At that point I understood that we were talking about two different scenarios. Let me break it down.

We’ll start with the social gathering. She is absolutely right in this regard. It’s good to project confident, calm, friendly energy at a social gathering but if there is a man that you want to avoid, then definitely use your body language and lack of direct eye contact to send him that message. Eye contact from across a room from a woman is an invitation to a man that she is interested in further communication. So in this case, stay away from him and if he tries to approach you be friendly but firm that you are not interested. This can be difficult for some women who are conditioned to be nurturing and not hurt anyone’s feelings. I have lost count of the stories of harassment and abuse that began with “I just wanted to let him down easy” or “I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.” Ladies, let me be clear. Most men do not do well with subtle hints. The absolute worst is when you giggle and say “stop it” in a playful way. That is going to make him think you really want him and you are just playing hard to get, and most men are conditioned to believe that persistence is a good quality and will get them what they want. So all of this equals shut him down fast and be crystal clear about it. That doesn’t mean you have to be rude, just clear and firm. (Disclaimer: you might get a negative reaction from some guys. Stand your ground and do not waiver. They will give up if you show them absolutely that you are not the one to mess with.)

Ok, now onto the other scenario, strangers in the street. To begin, I need to clarify that men and women interact in totally opposite ways when they encounter a stranger who is the same sex. Women use eye contact and body language to connect with other women. Men do not, as a rule. When a man meets another man who is a stranger, direct eye contact is a challenge and dominance is determined in that moment. So often you will see men do a quick head nod as an acknowledgement and move on, whereas women will tend to pause and smile, and maybe even exchange pleasantries. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, but it is pretty much the norm. So, knowing this baseline behavior and what we know about being a bad prey choice, how do we decide what to do in a stranger situation? Here’s what I do. Stand up straight, project calm and confident energy, pay attention to my surroundings. When I encounter a stranger, especially a man, I will look at him straight in the eye and depending on the energy he is giving me will either do the head nod or a quick smile. This communicates to him that I am aware, I see him, and by interacting with him first, I am controlling the interaction. It’s not an aggressive thing at all. I am polite and professional but also aware and in control.

Body Language

One of the biggest lessons you learn in martial arts is body language. Whether they talk about it or not, it is an integral part of training. In TaeKwonDo I learned how to stand up straight, at attention, and at ease. I learned to stand perfectly still without yawning, scratching my nose, or shifting my weight because any of those things would have earned me pushups. I also learned not to flinch while getting yelled at, having someone close to hitting me, or when caught off guard. Whatever happens in TaeKwonDo class, you are taught to maintain composure. 

In Kung Fu, not necessarily because the training was any better or worse, but because of my age, maturity level and knowledge base, I learned more subtle nuances of body language. How to control space, how to subconsciously claim space, push someone back energetically or pull them in. How to be aggressive and psychologically project confidence. 

Why am I telling you all this? What I want to express is that you can control the space around you, energetically, psychologically, and physically. I am not talking about fist fights. I am talking about body language. It starts with the lessons I learned in TaeKwonDo. Stand up straight, look people in the eye, and act like you are in charge, even if you have no idea what you are doing. This may take some practice, but it is a handy skill to know. It’s worth taking some TaeKwonDo lessons if you can afford them. If you can’t make the money or time commitment, go observe some classes and watch how the black belts act. Not the newly minted first degrees, watch the owner and the upper ranks. You should see exactly what I am talking about, a certain energy, respect and confidence they carry. 

Getting into the more subtle aspects of body language, take a look at people walking around. You will probably see some people totally oblivious to their surroundings, on their phone, earbuds in, not looking where they are going. They make very easy targets. Then there are people who are obviously nervous, scurrying around with their heads down, not looking at anyone, sneaking fearful glances behind them and clutching their bag or my pet peeve, holding their keys between their fingers. (Hint: do not do this, it is a terrible “self defense” strategy and it really makes you look like you are clueless and unable to defend yourself.) 

Now find some confident people. They walk upright, pay attention to their surroundings, always put themselves in good tactical positions, and generally look like they are in control. They are sending a message to would-be attackers that they are a bad target. This already lowers their risk a great deal. Remember what I said, there are no guarantees. Everything I teach is all aimed at lowering your risk. If you can do everything in your power to lower your statistical risk of being attacked, you can head off a lot of threats before they make it anywhere near you. There is always the possibility you will just be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that’s why I discuss everything from general awareness to specific responses to actual physical threats.

It works with animals, too. I love animals and in fact I do animal care for a living and volunteer at a wildlife refuge. However, if I have turkeys or geese or a similar type of bird getting a little too close, I can raise my arms up and look big and usually they’ll walk away. It’s really fascinating to try. Another interesting experiment in animal body language is equine therapy. The wonderful thing about animals is that they read your energy, and they are totally honest. They don’t have the hangups that humans do about being polite, feeling one way and acting another. They just tell you the truth with their body language. So when I did equine therapy, or even when I work with animals, I have to make sure my energy is calm and confident or else the animal won’t come near me. I also have to really pay attention to their body language and pick up on clues that they might be stressed or uncomfortable and then it is up to me to take actions to ease their stress or discomfort. So animals are a wonderful way to gauge your energy, and people watching is a great way to see examples of body language in real time. 

Try this: next time you are at a restaurant or a similar social setting, look around at the people around you, especially couples. You can usually tell which couples have been together for awhile, and which might be dates because their body language will not be as relaxed as the couples who have been together longer. Also look to see who is leaning forward and who is leaning back. In some groups, the energy will be equal but in other cases, one person will be dominating the other conversation, leaning forward while the other will be leaning back, almost like they want to get away. This is not an equal energy exchange. Crossed arms, looking away, looking distracted or even scared are all really good indicators that someone is uncomfortable. Open body language, relaxed posture, eye contact and smiling are signs of comfort and ease. Another great resource is Cesar Millan’s tv shows. You might have heard of him as The Dog Whisperer. His whole technique relies on energy and body language, and you can see the dogs react instantly. It’s really quite terrific. Observe all these things and see what you can implement in your own life.

Manipulators

How can you tell when you meet someone whether they have good intentions or not? It’s not always apparent right at first, especially if someone is skilled at social interaction. 

I was given an example today in a conversation. A friend of mine met a guy who seemed nice and he asked for her number. She felt uncomfortable giving him her number but also felt pressured to be polite. She gave him the number and regretted it afterwards and mentioned it to me. How many times has this happened to you? I know I’ve been caught in this situation and others like it before. 

This is a great example of several concepts in awareness. First, there are some lines you absolutely know you will not cross. But there are other lines that sometimes you don’t realize are lines until after you have crossed them. Everyone does it, I have done it several times, taken an action and then realized I was not comfortable with that action. So what can we do?

Step one is to try and decide what our boundaries are beforehand as much as possible. This is where reading other books, blogs and articles helps because it exposes you to scenarios that you may not have thought of. 

Step two, if you get in a situation that catches you off guard, try and slow down the moment to figure out how you feel. You can change the subject or simply say you need to think about it. That is easier said than done, but can be a plausible strategy. 

Step three, if you have crossed the line and realize it later, take steps to implement the boundaries you need after the fact. 

This is where the concept of manipulators comes in. A normal (non-manipulative) person will make conversation with you and mostly leave it at that. If you have mutual friends, they might inquire through those friends but people normally don’t ask for personal information that fast. So if someone is pressing you for personal information, you have a few options. You can change the subject, make an excuse to get a drink or talk to someone else or just leave. Another option is to tell them no in a nice way. If they are a normal harmless person, they will not be offended or angered. They will respect your boundaries and not press any more. A manipulator will continue to press, make you feel uncomfortable, maybe even whine or get aggressive. This goes back to that red flag of making sure people respect your “no.” If you tell someone “no” for any reason and they keep pushing, that should set off alarm bells in your head. You should immediately ask yourself, “why is this person not respecting my no?” Take it seriously, change the subject, include someone else in the conversation or leave if you have to. 

You have to shut down manipulators as early as possible before they get dug in. What manipulators want is attention. Positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. They want you to engage with them and will keep harassing you as long as you keep reacting. There is a fantastic chapter on this in “The Gift of Fear” called “Persistence, Persistence” (Chapter 8). In it, a couple goes to a trade show and meets an enterprising young man who says he has some ideas for collaboration. Again, normal (non-manipulative) people would realize this is just an exchange and something may or may not come of it. In this case, the young man is a manipulator. He starts harassing them at their business. They try all the conventional ways people usually try to get rid of someone, telling him nicely that they aren’t interested right now, telling him firmly that they aren’t interested, threatening him if he doesn’t stop, etc. The problem is, he is not a normal person, he is a manipulator and each time they tell him to go away, they are buying more contact with him. If they wait until he calls 15 times to answer him and yell at him, they have just taught him that it takes 15 calls to get a response. And with each contact, they dig themselves deeper and deeper. As described in the book, they finally reached out to Gavin de Becker’s firm for help. What he told them to do I have taken to heart. Ignore them. No contact. Radio silence. No matter what they do or say, give them absolutely nothing. It may take awhile, but eventually most will give up and chase someone else. (*Disclaimer: I say most because humans are nothing if not unpredictable so there may be a scenario where this doesn’t work. You must evaluate your own situation based on its merits and all the puzzle pieces in your particular life.)

This is extraordinarily hard for most people to believe. I have seen it many times, well meaning people giving advice such as “you just need to tell him to knock it off (when you’ve already told him that), or the classic “I’ll go over and have a talk with him for you,” where the well meaning, usually male person threatens the manipulator to leave you alone. That is nice of your well meaning friend but unless they can be your bodyguard 24/7, you need a better solution that you can implement yourself. If you can 1. recognize the signs as soon as possible, 2. shut it down immediately and 3. stick to your guns and give your harasser no attention, the odds of them finding someone else more interesting get much better. To be clear, they might start with flattery, then whining, then insults, and even threats. Go on any blog that shows dating screenshots and you’ll see how fast this can happen. Unless you truly believe the threats are credible, the best action is no action. Again I stress, all situations are unique so you must use your judgement. But your intuition is your best guide. Don’t obscure it with what ifs, politeness and rationalizations. Follow your gut, ensure your safety first, and evaluate later.

You Are Worth Saving

At the core of self defense is the belief that you are worth saving. You have to value yourself enough to fight if your safety is being threatened. 

There are various ways that this is a challenge for people. One of them is our society’s perception that someone can do something that makes them “deserve” to be assaulted. You have heard it hundreds of times I’m sure. When a woman is raped people immediately ask what she was wearing, how late was she out, how much did she have to drink, what kind of lifestyle did she lead, etc. They then take this information and use it to make a judgement about the character of the woman and decide whether she deserved it or not. Let me be clear: when I am teaching self defense concepts and I recommend taking certain actions to lower your risk of assault, in no way am I saying that those things mean you deserve to be assaulted. Assault is never ok for any reason. I don’t care if someone is passed out drunk in a back alley, taking advantage of them is absolutely wrong. But that judgmental way of thinking has led many woman, several of whom I have taught and talked to, to believe in their core that they are bad people and not deserving of safety and defense. 

Another challenge is the perception that certain populations should be immune to assault. One example of this is male rape victims. There is a lot of shame among male rape victims because the perception in our society is that men don’t get raped, or that there is never a situation where they wouldn’t want sex. So it takes a tremendous amount of courage for a male to report an assault because he knows he will face scrutiny or even harassment from some people.

So what does this all mean? The core of the practice is for you to love yourself and believe you are not only valuable, but hold immense value. It doesn’t matter what kind of lifestyle you lead or what mistakes you may have made in the past, you are valuable because you exist. Once you start to accept that, you can wrap your head around considering what you would do to keep yourself safe. Here’s a trick that works for a lot of people. Imagine, not that you are in danger but that your child is in danger. What would you do to save that child? Anything, right? Why? Because that child is so precious, so loved, that you would risk your life to save them. Can you now see yourself as the child? You were someone’s child, and whether they showed you love appropriately or not, can you transfer that love for your child onto yourself? If you can, now can you imagine going to the same lengths to save yourself as you would your child? I hope so, because you are as precious and beloved as all children should be.